So here we are on day number-I have no idea-of the ‘circuit breaker’ in Singapore. It took me a couple of weeks to get used to the new rhythm of my life, but I am happy to report that I’ve been thriving.
With few things going on in my life- no evenings at the bar I do tarot readings at on a weekly basis, no travelling to meet clients, no meetings with friends nor public events to set up a booth at- everything has taken on an extraordinarily slow pace, the likes of which I’ve not known in my adult life. (Of course, I have the privilege of being a child-free person. Don’t hate me, parents!)
I went into lockdown dealing with some unexpected news regarding my professional path as an intuitive healer that created a bit of a Tower situation. The Tower is one of the major arcana cards in a standard tarot deck. A Tower moment is one in which you feel that your foundations have been shaken and the rug pulled out from under your feet. It’s sudden and difficult to grapple with. I was reeling and shocked about the news, and experiencing a lot of inner turmoil. It seemed like all that I had worked for thus far had suddenly been struck down, and that I was forced to rebuild. A month or so after, our dear family cat, who had been my emotional support for 19 years, crossed the rainbow bridge. I was devastated.
And then came lockdown and all the financial uncertainty that came with it.
Being isolated with just my own inner turmoil and inner conflict for company seemed like an ominous prospect. But through running energy clearings on myself, and with the remote support of energy healer friends, I was able to move through this turmoil and came to several realisations.
Firstly, I realised how much I had become attached to one specific modality, and how I was betraying myself and my own unique identity in doing so. I was not being authentic, not honouring that part of me that resonated with other energies. With the unexpected news I received, I was forced to review my attachment to this modality and why I had so much fears with regard to doing my own thing. It’s led me to look at how I can make my business unique to me, and starting thinking of offering services that speak to what I resonate with.
Secondly, I realised how much my cat had been serving as emotional support, bless her. Without her around, certain conflicts became even more evident than before. I was forced to look at these wounds more closely, feel the pain that I’d numbed myself to, and thanks to a gifted energy healer friend, achieved massive clearing. Realising that I’d numbed myself to that pain was a huge milestone in of itself. But I realised how allowing oneself to feel pain takes up a lot of energy. It’s a normal, and very human coping mechanism to shove it aside, because it can be crippling and interfere with our daily functioning. So I decided to be kinder to myself and not judge myself for not being ‘strong’ enough to take a deep dive into those wounds.
Lastly, thanks to a wonderful spiritually-connected therapist friend, I came to the realisation that I was placing too much pressure on myself to be connected to the Universe and infinity. I wasn’t giving myself credit and placing incredible expectations on myself to be some evolved soul connecting to everything, which led to a feeling of disappointment with myself, and the feeling that I was never good enough.
I strongly believe that lockdown created the environment necessary for all these energies to be transmuted so massively. The fact that I had literally nothing else going on beyond the clients I supported, and the time and the attention I was able to direct to self-healing were decisive factors. When things slowed down outwardly, everything accelerated inwardly.
I remember consulting an ayurvedic doctor once who told me that the strength of the medication must be proportionate to the seriousness of the disease. Take too small a dose of whatever herb and you will feel no effect. That’s perhaps what I’d been doing all this while- very slowly chipping away at a big issue, and feeling no positive result. What I needed was to abandon that little hammer and chisel, and pick up a sledgehammer. But what that required was time, energy, and the right circumstances. All of those factors came together for me during this lockdown.
Financially, I’m doing better that I thought I would be during this period. Emotionally, I feel a weight off my shoulders. And spiritually, my faith in the Universe which took a blow at the beginning of this pandemic (‘cos seriously, did this really have to happen a few months after I officially went into business as an intuitive healer?) is renewed bit by bit, every single day. I’m learning to trust more in the Universe in this very unique situation we are all living through. And that’s my biggest takeaway thus far from all of this. I need to trust the process!